16-year-old son of widower bonds with his dad's girlfriend who doesn't want to replace his mom, dad dumps her for woman who insists on filling the mom role for him: 'I told him I didn't want another mom and I loved Mara'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Sep 25, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

Nothing works in life if you try to force it too hard. If you go up to someone on the first day, you meet them and say, "You are going to be a very close friend of mine, we're going to spend every day together, and you will be a bridesmaid at my wedding," I guarantee that none of those things will happen. It's normal to have a good feeling about somebody and anticipate having a close friendship before that actually manifests, but if you force a relationship, it won't develop healthily and naturally. 

If this truth applies to friendships and romantic relationships, it applies to family. When a parent brings someone into the family who is functionally a stranger to their child, it's totally unreasonable to expect that child to treat that person like a parent. We wouldn't expect that from adults, so why would we expect that from children? 

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    via Christopher Campbell

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA for telling my dad he made a dumb decision and I don't need to fix it for him?
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    My mom died when I (16M) was 5. I remember her, just not amazingly well. When I was 7 my dad started dating again and met Mara. At first I was upset about Mara and my dad dating and didn't want to meet her and gave her a hard time. I told her I didn't want her replacing my mom. She gave me space to let out all my feelings at her and then she reassured me she was not here to take mom's place. She told me she really liked my dad and wanted to really like me too but she didn't have to be my mom for
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    her. But she won me over and we got along really well. She even lived with us for a year. But when I was 10 dad broke up with Mara and said she wasn't trying hard enough to fill the role of mom for me and I needed a mom. I told him I didn't want another mom and I loved Mara. That she was the best. Mara was blindsided by it because things had been so good and I don't think my dad had said it would be a dealbreaker.
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    Within a few months he met his wife, Stacey. Stacey was a single mom with a 2 year old daughter. I was 11 by then. Stacey was very on board to be my new mom and I was not. I said it so many times I didn't want a new mom, I wouldn't call someone else mom, I missed Mara and wouldn't give Stacey a chance if she tried to take over mom's place. I was ignored and dad and Stacey got married when I was 12.
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    After my 16th birthday, which was June, my dad kinda realized I was serious about not wanting a mom and not giving Stacey a chance to be my mom. She has tried so hard too. She has tried to make me love her and her daughter. But I'm not here to get a new mom. I'm not open to it, something dad now knows. It's caused a lot of strain with him and Stacey because Stacey found out I had DMd Mara recently and apologized for dad and thanked her for being awesome and saying I miss her. Stacey said she can
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    Dad pulled me aside a few nights ago and told me he now realizes I was serious about the things I said and he realizes I loved Mara. But that he really wanted the best for me and someone who wouldn't even try to be my mom wasn't it. He told me Stacey would be such a good second mom to me and I could have a sister, if I give this a chance. He said his marriage could end if we can't pull together as a family. I told him he made a dumb decision and I wouldn't fix it for him. I said it was fine if M
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    Janetaz18 20h ago • NTA. You have consistently told your dad over the years that you did not want a new 'mother'. And he has consistently, including now, ignored what you had to say. He's the one who screwed up, not you. Sounds like he made promises to Stacey that he expected you to keep for him. That's all on him. And you're right, it's not up to you to 'fix' it.
    via u/Janetaz18
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    Pleasant Music8595 OP ⚫ 20h ago ⚫ That's exactly how it sounds to me too. He didn't believe me, so he promised her this traditional family with the four of us, where she'd get to be a mom to me and I'd be a son to her and a brother to her daughter. At no point did he consider even for a second that I wasn't lying about not wanting a new mom. Took him this long to figure it out.
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    whybother_incertname •19h ago • What's worse is he chased away Mara, who actually loved you both, & was probably the only person who ever actually listened to you & heard what you said. She could've really helped you & your dad be closer if your dad had just stopped with the self sabotage. NTA OP
    via u/whybother_incertname
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    Pleasant Music8595 OP ⚫ 19h ago • And she did while they were together. She was the person who encouraged him to talk more about mom and tell me stories, show me photos. He didn't do that naturally. But he opened way up with her encouragement and I learned so much.
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    Project Journeyman • 17h ago I could be reading into it too much but it sounds like your dad was being pushed to grow with Mara, so he bailed for someone who could be the primary caregiver and let him stop doing it. When he remarried did he become a "traditional" (i.e. uninvolved) father? NTA because he spent 6 years doing things wrong when the info was widely available - there might still have been a chance to build healthy relationships when he started, if he didn't try to force the wrong thin
    via u/ProjectJourneyman
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    OkGazelle5400 ⚫ 18h ago. Based on timelines I think your dad might have been cheating on Mara with the new wife. Either way, you're really strong for sticking to your guns
    via u/OkGazelle5400
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    • tango421 18h ago NTA. I mean what part of "I do not want a new mom." didn't he understand. Simple, one syllable words. He made promises he couldn't keep. That's on him. Him saying you don't get to speak to him like that is like saying you stop speaking to him. Classic drive your kid away behavior.
    via u/tango421
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    Pretty Together 108 • 18h ago • Lots of parents 1) think they know better than their kids and 2) think they can force their kids to feel and act a certain way. These are bad parents.
    via u/PrettyTogether108
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    Apart-Ad-6518 • 20h ago ΝΤΑ • But when I was 10 dad broke up with Mara and said she wasn't trying hard enough to fill the role of mom for me and I needed a mom. That was an A H move. He had no right to use you as an excuse for breaking up with Mara. I said it so many times I didn't want a new mom, I wouldn't call someone else mom, I missed Mara You remained steadfast in your decision.
    via u/Apart-Ad-6518
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    You remained steadfast in your decision. I told him he made a dumb decision and I wouldn't fix it for him. And that my dislike of Stacey wasn't changing and neither was my unwillingness to get a new mom. You aren't out of line. You just told your Dad how it is. If he'd listened up years earlier you wouldn't have had to. All the best OP.
    via u/Apart-Ad-6518
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    Construction No9678 19h ago • I feel like this is the cardinal sin of stepparenting, which is practically a cliche on this sub. If you try to force a parental relationship right away, the bonding will never happen. It only ever works if the kid is also willing/interested in having a new parent. I don't get parents who refuse to take their kid's words at face value, then get shocked when it turns out they meant what they said.
    via u/ConstructionNo9678
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    • ayykalaam 19h ago • Why the heck is Stacey telling you she was promised a family for her daughter????? Why is she putting that on you? You didn't promise her anything and you're not responsible for making a family for her! That's really not okay. This is all on your dad. NTA.
    via u/ayykalaam
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    • yepyep_nopenope 20h ago • NTA. "Mom" is such a general term, that it can mean a lot of different things to different people. Rather than focusing on that word, it might be better for all of you to try and figure out specifics. When Stacey says she wants to be your mom, what does that mean? For example, does she want you to call her "mom?" Ok, well that's something concrete that you can say yes or no to (in your case, it seems like the answer is no). Does she want you to go see movies all toget
    via u/yepyep_nopenope
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    Also, some of this sounds like it might be coming form your Dad. Maybe your Dad is telling you his ideas about how to treat Stacey, but Stacey doesn't actually care about those things. And it seems like your Dad promised Stacey that you would do certain things without discussing it with you? Family therapy might help with all of this. But, in the meantime, try to focus on specifics and always go directly to Stacey or to your Dad to find out what they actually think. Don't rely on them to speak f
    via u/yepyep_nopenope
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    Pleasant Music8595 OP 20h ago • Stacey wanted me to call her mom or ma. She has some Italian family so ma was her idea of a compromise that still worked as her being my mom. She wanted me to add her and her daughter to family trees I'd do for school. And when I told her she'd only be added to my dad she told me that wasn't right. She should be added as my mom. She wants me to hug her sometimes. She wants me to spend more time with her willingly like I would if she were my mom. She also wants me
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    She wanted me to acknowledge her on Mother's Day. She wanted me to tell her everything about my life, friends and stuff. I don't really tell her anything and she hates it. Dad made her promises it sounds like. But she does care about this stuff because she's always trying to force it and telling me I shouldn't be calling her by her first name.
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595
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    littlebirdtwo 19h ago • Sadly, it sounds to me like Mara was actually more of a "mom" than Stacy could be for you. Mara actually took the time and effort to meet you where you were not trying to force you to meet her where she was at. Trying to force that connection is going to backfire almost every time. Letting it grow organically is always the best choice. I'm sorry your dad and Stacy can't seem to understand this. If they had approached things more like Mara, even the step sister might have
    via u/littlebirdtwo
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    Pleasant Music8595 OP 19h ago • I'd say Mara was a better person just overall. Even for a kid who wants a new mom/dad, if you force it then I'm not sure it works either. But Mara decided she'd be what I was comfortable with vs what she wanted. I think that was hugely smart of her because she technically didn't need to. But she did. And I'll always appreciate Mara accepting being Mara instead of a mom, because that was way better. She was also really good at encouraging dad to mention mom more wh
    via u/Pleasant_Music8595

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